Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Athletics Narrative By Carys

WALT be courteous to the audience.  Please give me feedback (what you like) and feedforward (what I could do to be more courteous) based on the success criteria below.
Courtesies for the Audience
All grammar, spelling and punctuation is correct.
Formatting adds interest and makes for easy reading for the audience
Most grammar, spelling and punctuation is correct.
Formatting adds some interest and generally makes for easy reading of the post
Some errors in grammar, spelling and punctuation
Formatting does not contribute to ease of reading
Many errors in grammar, spelling and punctuation
Formatting makes reading of post difficult

"Marks! Set! Go!", The gun goes my heart beating at a million paces. Sprinting down the track as fast as I could and I see the line before me. Five, Four, Three, Two, One! I have done it I am first to the end I have never won before. Cary has done it she beat the all time champion Lucinda. "Well done" Cary's Mum and Dad said to her in excitement.
On the way home Cary's Mum and Dad took her out for dinner to her favourite restaurant for her win." Mum now that I won that I can go to Nationals down in Wellington!" Cary said in excitement. " Yes we are very proud of you and your achievement" they said in a very emotional voice.
The next day it was the first day of term 3 and Cary meet her friends outside school. " Hey Cary how was your holidays" Jess said. " It was great and you will never believe it I won against Lucinda on the weekend at Auckland Champs!!!". " Are you serious OMG! she is the hardest person to beat" Sam said. " Now I have to prep ear for Nationals in Wellington.Cary strolled off in excitement.
Long after term 3 Cary went to nationals down in Wellington with her freinds to cheer her on . She was staying at a hotel with her older sister Lucy and Mum and Dad.They all went for a walk before tommorow(nationals).Cary played on the playground but know one was awear of what was happening next."OWW!" Cary screamed. "Whats the matter honey" Her parents said." My leg i can't fell it" Carys said "I think I think I broke my leg" Sam and Jess was worried." Call 111" Lucy Squealed.
Later on that month Cary was back at school and her leg had healed and nationals went really well for her she came first in all her races." Im so happy that my cast is off" Cary said to herself.I just wonder how Lucinda reached to my winning!The End... By Carys


   

   

7 comments:

  1. wow cary's great start i liked how you said the gun goes my heart beating at a million paces. well done
    but maybe next time read your story again because some don't make sence

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  3. FB:I liked how you expland it exalnt i could visulis it

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  4. FB:I liked how you expland it exalnt i could visulis it

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  5. Feed back:good use of punctuation and description also I like that you put who what where when why and how (5 bottoms on a seat) and its very easy to read and understand whats going on.Also you were very courtesies to the audience (I can also visualize the story to.)

    Feed ford:you could describe who is Lucinda is and her personality also what she looks like.Please describe after the introduction and please put paragraphs in your story.

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  6. Feed back:good use of punctuation and description also I like that you put who what where when why and how (5 bottoms on a seat) and its very easy to read and understand whats going on.Also you were very courtesies to the audience (I can also visualize the story to.)

    Feed ford:you could describe who is Lucinda is and her personality also what she looks like.Please describe after the introduction and please put paragraphs in your story.

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  7. F.B: I like how you had a hook and I got interested to read your story it is very nice and I like how you have a lot of information.
    F.F:Can you describe who lucinda is becuse i have no idea who she is.

    ReplyDelete

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